Towards a complete Thermochronocracy

Thanks to our good friend at …Or Something, I have been inspired to come clean. His post relates to a rather sad opinion poll from the retreads at World Nut Daily, whose readers overwhelmingly believe that “behind the junk science of global warming is a globalist power agenda.” (Although in fairness it should be noted that the second most popular response was “[global warming] is the biggest scam in the history of mankind”, well, perhaps behind the Apollo moon landing and Bigfoot.)

So, in the spirit of the international globalist agenda…

We all know that if you are serious about world power and total domination, you first must go into earth and/or atmospheric science. Just think of all of the despots, dictators, and great world leaders started out as scientists working on very complex problems, I mean, I’d name them all if they weren’t so obvious. The power that the average university scientist wields over the country, the world, hell, over all of mankind, is just staggering, if you think about it. I can see why they are such suspect characters. I mean, it isn’t like they are normal people, with jobs and families, retirement accounts, bills, neighbors, hobbies and the like; they are power hungry wanna-be conquerers, why else would you go to grad school?

Thermochronologists are no different, we too have a plan in action for world domination. I am only writing this because of my anonymity in the blog world, the punishment for going against the inner circle is harsh. The thermochronolongic plan for world domination was formulated high in the mountains outside of Salt Lake City back in 2005, when the worlds most powerful convened for a secret workshop. Here we developed our plan to overthrow the world order, and install in every country a thermochronocratic government.

I outlined some of the principles of thermochronocracy in my comments to …Or Something’s post, but I feel the need to expand.

A thermochronocracy is based in a strict adherence to classic Dodsonian principles. The free market will be replaced with volume diffusion of capital. Non-Arrhenius behavior is forbidden. GDP will now be described in terms of activation energies, all temperatures will be converted to 10000/K notation, and all errors must be propagated with both the x- and y-axis variables taken into account. Worker activity must increase with temperature, but not linearly. On really hot days, everyone’s age is reset to zero, although larger people or people with high Cl/F ratios may reset much more slowly. LabView will be standard in all classrooms and become what Esperanto should have been, and 39Ar will be declared the official national man-made isotope. Every house will install an electric pulse disaggregator, and the country’s brightest minds will focus on developing non-toxic, low-viscosity alternatives to SPT and MI (this is actually an altruistic goal since the leaders of the (r/ro)evolution will immediately make underlings perform all of our future mineral separates.)

It will become a capitol crime for reviewers to suggest thermochronologic studies “belong in a more regional journal,” or to question why we cleaned the separate in both acetic acid and hydrogen peroxide. All makers of mass spectrometers must automatically include LabView drivers and guarantee free software upgrades at least once a decade (this is of course the most unrealistic goal so far.) Diffusion domains must equal the grain radius, unless it doesn’t, but might fall out of the equation anyway, and all worthwhile procedures must not appear in an easily accessible and readable form, but must instead be spread out through at least a dozen appendices and figure captions in no less than 6 separate journals spanning at least a decade (this was a special request from one of the inner circle members-who-shall-not-be-named.) Oh, and of course, anything you put on a poster must be guaranteed to not agree with “some data I collected a few years back but never published [and won’t share].” Reactor constants are constant, and there is always a good reason to disregard standards that don’t quite fit. All atmospheric pressures must be reported in terms of millitorr, or mean free path. We will commission famous landscape artist Andy Goldsworthy to create a tribute to the leaders of the coup made entirely of discarded ConFlat gaskets and broken heating tape.

As powerful as we are, I do fear for the future of the thermochronocracy. I already see divides, disputes over standards and decay constants, for-profit labs are becoming a serious threat to the forces of unpublished data, and the multi-collector mafia has placed their people in very high positions. We must be wary.

That is why I am getting the word out. Register thermochronocratic. Vote thermochronocratic. Let’s show the “readers” of World Net Daily just what kind of future despots we scientists are!

This entry was posted in earth science, impending thermochronocracy, thermochronology. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Towards a complete Thermochronocracy

  1. Dr. Lemming says:

    Never!Having toiled under the iron fist of Mark Harrison’s Thermochronocracy for several long, dark years, I will fervently resist all such governments based on low-temperature, highly mobile geochronologic systems.And I am not alone. together, we will man the diffusion barriers and rasie the activation energy so that closure temperatures exceed mineral stability fields.Helium measurements will be outlawed. asily diffusable lattices will be deemed unfit for scientific work.The crystalization age is the one, true age, and there will be no worshipping of idolatrous thermochemical models. geochronological systems will be equilibrated, or closed. Diffusion fences ain’t for sitting on.

  2. Blasphemy! Not to fear, it is no secret that geochronologists are just thermochronologists in denial of diffusion. Just because it is inconsequential does not mean it isn’t important…err, wait a minute…I also know your vision is under attack from the complex internal zonation sect, intent on dismantling this “one true age” nonsense once and for all.

  3. Brian says:

    behind these puppet regimes that are warring over inconsequential details, will be the real New World Order leaders (the centuries-old Illumiseddie) asking “just give me the age already…do I look like I care about diffusion?”

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